12 sleeps

Ah done gone thunk myself awake at 2am then ah done gone thunk some more.

I find I am particularly adept at thinking things through between the hours of 3am and 5am. I recommend you try it sometime. Because, you know, everyone is awake at those hours anyway.

As everyone who reads this blog, FB status updates and tweets knows, and everyone who is in within moaning distance of me knows, I lost my TheNotTheBullet the other day. Now, on top of that, my char has made off with the main sections of my wardrobe (long story, don't ask, it pains me to think about). At this rate, I'm going to be going back to Canada with the clothes on my back and a handbag. So, naturally, being car-less, mostly clothes-less, almost job-less and nearly home-less, I am feeling the pangs of stress a bit. Hence the 2am wake up.

There I was, at 2am, cursing the curs-ed universe and all the hell it has been raining down upon me (I can be a real drama queen when I want to be) and then I had a little pause. Then, a slight suspension. Then a flash. Then silence. Then stillness. Then a stupefied look on my face.

Now, it may seem dramatic and self indulgent, but I am like this dude. I am figuratively throwing myself on the pyre (let's keep it figurative, universe!) to get ready for the next chapter. And, I also realized that I haven't been given a life defining moment by the universe because, through moments like this and the one in 1997, I give them to myself. And, accepting that as fact, I feel much calmer now.

36 sleeps

I'm having another middle distance glaze day. Make that middle distance glaze week.

TheGreek and I went for 'Easter dinner' last weekend (we washed down vast quantities of prawns with nice wine) and ended up having a fat chat about life, love and rock'n'roll. He watched a documentary on youtube about Mayan calendars and 2012, which freaked him out a bit, which led to discussions about the imbalances in the world, which lead to discussions about positive and negative energy, which led to discussions about karma, which led to discussions about high, low and good (good! good!) vibrations, which led to discussions about cause and effect.

Now, I fully believe in the cause/effect theory. For example, if I buy one of these every day, I create this. Not cool. No wonder Mother Nature's pissed off. But how far does it go? Specifically, if I play this or this or this or this, obviously I'm thinking about how to kill someone, or achieve world domination, or wage effective warfare, or steal people's cars. And those are things I would consider Not Nice to think about. But, as I think these things, I'm putting that energy out there, right? And it must go somewhere, right? Where does it go? What happens to it? And, if my cause and effect theory is correct, then I have to wonder what effect it is having on me, on other people, on the world in general. Or, to balance it out (one of theGreeks theories) I must do something that would be considered nice, like pet kittens or similar. I'll just have to stretch out my arms, raise my eyes to the sky and ask Superman what is going on because this has got my brain in a twist. Hmmmm.... [slack jawed middle distance glaze look in full effect]

69 sleeps

I fear change, yet I thrive on it.

38 sleeps + 60 part 2

Some people are asking about the Sexy Surfer's life-altering-experience... you can find it here under Neck Story, in his own words.

Happy Sunday, peeps!

43 sleeps + 60

I'm having a rare deep-and-meaningful moment.

I had drinks with the Sexy Surfer last night after work (who has a "date" on a Monday night at 11:30? T-Lo does!), who told me about a near death experience and how it altered his perception of his life. And by "near death experience", I mean a real one... not like my "oh-my-god-I-fell-off-my-horse-and-he-ran-home-and-
left-me-on-the-beach-and-I-almost-died" near death experience... it was one of those experiences where you have actually resigned to yourself that This Is It. Hec-tique. Can't say I have genuinely ever had that. Some big scares? Yes. Frustrating moments? Sure. Big injuries? Of course. But not that. I haven't even been in a car accident (unless you count that time I rear-ended a minivan full of retirees while waving at my father, but I digress).

Anyway, he said that as a result of his experience, his perception of life changed and everything he has done has led him to this current moment in his life.

That got me thinking in a brow furrowed, jaw gaping, middle distance glaze way. Does everything we do lead to where we are right now? For example, if I had stayed with that first finance job I got when I was 20 instead of switching to another finance job, would I still be sitting right where I am today? If I chose Thailand instead of the Philippines in 1997, would I still be in South Africa? Generally, if I did X instead of Y on numerous occasions, would I still be sitting here nonetheless?

I have never had one of those brilliant life defining moments (unless you count getting popped by the Little Mouse's right in the first round of a UM4 and getting distracted by all the pretty white stars dancing in front of me, but I digress). I have definitely had periods of my life where the 'flow' was good. And there have been other times where I feel like I am wading through wet cement just to make it through the day. But never anything like the Sexy Surfer experienced. I'm kind of jealous. Where's my life defining moment? Where?

Oops, must go work. My boss is looking at me worriedly. I think the gaping jaw, bit of drool and middle distance glaze is scaring him.

55 sleeps

There's a great new dvd shop in town called dvd noveau. It has the most amazing documentary section... a nice wide selection of current affairs topics. Well, I've been going through a mad documentary phase. Sometimes I watch alone, sometimes I watch with theGreek and we debate the issues raised in the doccie afterwards. The only problem is... my list of can'ts is growing with every movie I watch. For example: I watched this one and now I can't eat any type of pre-packaged frozen fish. Then I watched this one and I can't drink any coffee but organically certified fair trade coffee. I also watched this one with theGreek, which was so intense that the imagery still sits with me. There was one scene of Death Squads opening fire on funeral goers in Argentina that horrified me to the core. I didn't understand what was happening at the beginning of the scene. It looked like the funeral goers, who were walking up the church steps en masse, were doing a sort of break dance in time with each other while moving to the side of the steps. Then I realised that their bodies were convulsing from being peppered with bullets. The world we live in....

but I digress. In good news, I've been accepted on the UNV roster. Yay! Good news! My Canadian muay thai and humanitarian partner in crime, Miss K, has also been accepted. Now we just have to be posted on the same mission so that we can continue to train properly.

In bad news, I missed Cum Laude on my coursework for my LLM by 0.25%. Let me repeat that - I missed it by ONE QUARTER OF ONE PERCENT. I am so mad at myself. ONE QUARTER OF ONE PERCENT. I know I will do well on my thesis, I always do well on my written work, but I don't know if this ONE QUARTER OF ONE PERCENT will prevent me from graduating Cum Laude overall. I guess I actually have to open the LLM Rule book and read the bloody thing.

98 sleeps

(A point in limine for my mom: don’t freak out when you read this; all’s well that ends well)

Santa sucked this year.

I went to the family SS for Xmas, which was great. We had the standard present-and-turkey day; the food was a delicious traditional hot lunch. ‘Twas all lovely. I woke up the next day with a horrific pain in my stomach. What is this?, thought I. Did Mrs SS go a little too ballistic on the spices for the turkey stuffing? Was I getting flu? Was it a latent injury arising from the last time I trained? (PAH! Pfft! That’s funny even as I write it… one must actually train hard for an injury to arise.) I went to the emergency doctor (after I went to the bookstore and purchased myself three – three – more books). He did his cursory examination on the table by tap-tapping on my stomach. Flu? No. Torn muscles? Hell no. The doctor said that my symptoms were consistent with someone who had either an inflammatory pelvis or ovarian cancer.

[sound of needle scratching on record]

Or what? What? Can you repeat that please? What? How the f*ck can this happen to me?

Ok, we can deal with this. We can deal.

I went back to the flat and locked myself in. This was on the Friday. I was booked in for the sonogram on the Monday. I made a big pot of herbal tea (shameless plug: Cape Town Nights Black Tea blend from the Tea Emporium in Cavendish) and hopped into a hot bath (shameless plug: with mint and eucalyptus bath salts from Rain in Waterfront). Then I drank my tea and sat in the tub until it was cold. Then I re-ran the bath and got back in. And did the same thing over again. I think that’s what emotional shock does. Wash, rinse, repeat in some sort of Jung-ian return-to-the-womb fashion. I spent three days drinking tea, bathing, watching adventure movies (Pirates; Lord; Indiana), hiding in my flat and sms-ing Mrs Starke, Sister SS, DomTastic and Little Mouse, who were all supportive and provided rational arguments for the whole process (thanks guys!!!).

When Monday finally rolled around, I half-ran, half-crawled to the radiologists. Being petrified by circumstance and difficult by nature, I made the radiologist show-and-tell the entire process. After twenty minutes of examination, they gave me the all clear. OC eliminated as a problem.

Phew!

With that, I hopped into TheNotTheBullet, threw Sister SS in the passenger seat and screamed up to Little Mouse’s spot on the Breede River. We were meant to stay one day; we ended up staying for four. What a fantastic spot! Fishing for kabeljou! My favourite thing! Riding waves in Blaublass! My favourite thing! Reading by the beach! My favourite thing! Braaing with the folks! My favourite thing! Riding in the rubber duck to the Bush Bar! My favourite thing! Carrying the rubber duck across the river at low tide in the dark for a vodka lime! My favourite thing! Laang-araming with the hotel cleaning staff on NYE! My favourite thing! I’m sorry I missed Beaverlac with Mr and Mrs Starke, the Dunbar Whittakers, Heids et al, and I’m sorry I missed out with the Queen and her crew, and my housemate theGreek and his crew, but I had an absolute blast at the Malgalas hotel on New Year. In my mind, you know you are doing New Year’s right when you are barefoot, on a dirt road in the bush, listening to a blend of saakie music, 80s pop, current hits and hip hop and trying to speak three different languages.

130 sleeps

Wasn't it just yesterday that it was 152 sleeps?!

I’m having an I-Don’t-Want-To-Leave day. It is precisely for this reason that I resigned the way I did. I’ve given myself one last summer in Cape Town (and, thankfully, one less winter in Canada), I’ve set my final day of work and this has been accepted, I’ve put the job-hunting machinery in place already in the Hammer, I’ve packed some of my books… in short, I’m giving myself no alternative but to go. This is the best way to do it. If I said to myself ‘I will leave sometime in the first half of 2009’ then the first half of 2009 will come and go in a flash and I will still be doing the exact same thing as always at my job, in my social life etc. At least now it’s firm, it’s done, it’s finalised. There’s no backing down, no matter how nostalgic for Cape Town I may get or how nervous I am for re-integrating into Canada. The whole decision has changed my outlook too. I almost feel like I'm on vacation. I'm enjoying the 'little things' a lot more - sundowner drinks in Camps Bay, crazy Excite taxi rides, work Xmas parties...I know they say you should live every day like it is your last, but it is only when I force myself from country to country do I actually live like that. Otherwise, I get bogged down in the daily drum of life - concentrating on things like car services, appointments with financial advisors, worrying about my thesis. Is everyone like that or is it just me?

150 sleeps

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to T-Lo!
Happy birthday to you!

Ok, my birthday is only tomorrow, but DomTastic and I are going to celebrate with a toot tonight. Yay!

While traveling in foreign locales is always exciting and amazing, holidays can be incredibly lonely times. It got to a point a couple of years ago where I just stopped even bothering to celebrate my birthday. And I have come to dread Christmas. I usually high tail it up to Namibia for Pops' Orphan Family Christmas on the Orange. Anyway, I digress...

It has become my little tradition on birthdays, christmas, easter, thanksgiving and other similar holidays to buy myself a gift, wrap it up, and leave it on my kist at the end of the bed as a little surprise to myself when I wake up in the morning. Upon waking, I stare at my kist, eyes wide, mouth aghast, mock-shock on my face, at the sparkly present staring back at me from the end of the bed. And then I rip it open like a five year old.

I always buy myself books as presents. Previously, this has included:

1. The Great War for Civilization by Robert Fiske (****)
2. Middlesex by Geoffrey Eugenides (*****)
3. The Shackled Continent by Robert Guest (*****)
4. Lunar Park by Brett Easton Ellis (*****)

I love my books. I really do. It's some obsessive compulsive disorder, this book-purchasing-and-reading-obsession of mine. I am not joking when I say I have 1000 books. I even have two copies of Ovid's Metamorphosis - one translation by a man and one by a woman, just so I could see if there are any nuanced differences in the interpretation of the myths.

Well, I've gone and done it again. I've bought myself a lovely copy of Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell by Susannah Clarke, a tome weighing in at 800 pages. I have enough books. And I'll continue to buy books when I'm back. No more books! No! More! Books! That's the new rule. It's the only way I'll stop. I'll give myself something to look forward to when I'm back: one whole day making my way through the stacks at Chapters. Until then: I'll buy myself consumables as gifts, like a nice piece of dark chocolate, or a slab of double cream Camembert, or a bottle of witblitz.

152 sleeps

I am going to do this, you know.