Ah done gone thunk myself awake at 2am then ah done gone thunk some more.
I find I am particularly adept at thinking things through between the hours of 3am and 5am. I recommend you try it sometime. Because, you know, everyone is awake at those hours anyway.
As everyone who reads this blog, FB status updates and tweets knows, and everyone who is in within moaning distance of me knows, I lost my TheNotTheBullet the other day. Now, on top of that, my char has made off with the main sections of my wardrobe (long story, don't ask, it pains me to think about). At this rate, I'm going to be going back to Canada with the clothes on my back and a handbag. So, naturally, being car-less, mostly clothes-less, almost job-less and nearly home-less, I am feeling the pangs of stress a bit. Hence the 2am wake up.
There I was, at 2am, cursing the curs-ed universe and all the hell it has been raining down upon me (I can be a real drama queen when I want to be) and then I had a little pause. Then, a slight suspension. Then a flash. Then silence. Then stillness. Then a stupefied look on my face.
Now, it may seem dramatic and self indulgent, but I am like this dude. I am figuratively throwing myself on the pyre (let's keep it figurative, universe!) to get ready for the next chapter. And, I also realized that I haven't been given a life defining moment by the universe because, through moments like this and the one in 1997, I give them to myself. And, accepting that as fact, I feel much calmer now.
Showing posts with label Bl**dy Universe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bl**dy Universe. Show all posts
Wednesday
Friday
18 sleeps
For those of you that read this blog, the next two weeks will likely be filled with manic, self-indulgent, perhaps narcisstic, emotionally conflicting blog entries. Stop now if that bores you. When I started this blog, I decided it would be an online diary of how I feel about moving back to Canada after 13 years of travelling, warts and all. So, take it or leave it. If you are looking for the witty, fun, light-hearted T-Lo, she'll pop her head up here and there over the next few weeks, but serious self-critical T-Lo is in full effect right now. (did I just refer to myself in the third person? Twice?!)
OK. This UN thing. After debating with myself, my family, respected colleagues and loved ones, I've done the following:
1. Confirmed my willingness to do the assignment.
2. Uploaded my most recent CV.
The assignment starts 11 July. That means that I have six weeks in Canada to see how things pan out. I'm really caught over this whole thing. On one hand, I want to go back to Canada, chill with my family, get a 'proper job', settle down in TO, get a cat and call her McLovin (you see how I've planned?! I've already got a name for my to-be-grey kitten!), train with Alin, normalize relations with the Hammer...then, this F**KING UN thing comes through at the 11th hour, the last minute, the final hour. This is the job I have wanted for the last ten years. But sometimes, when you get what you want, you don't want it anymore, right? Like, you were focused on the wrong thing, you know? DomTastic (DomAss?) yelled at me in the midst of a self-indulgent moangroan session I was having: she said that maybe I have to look at it as the universe having perfect timing. Hmmmm......
I'll tell you, I haven't gone through a phase like this since June 1997. Then, I had no money and had everything I own stolen. I had no idea where I would sleep at night, where my next meal would come from, how I would earn money to survive.... That was on the front end of my little Africa adventure. Now, on the back end, I had my TheNotTheBullet stolen 8 days after I had the insurance cancelled (long story, don't ask, still beating myself repeatedly for that). Now TheNotTheBullet money was my 'transition slush fund' for when I got back..I would be able to take a couple of months to settle in, readjust, train properly and get into the groove of things before having to dive full on into some hectic work environment. That is no longer an option. I am using my move-everything-across-the-ocean money as my slush fund, which means that I have to get rid of everything here. I've reduced my life into one 30kg bag of clothing and one kist of books. And it's kind of sad to look at the one lonely, slightly overstuffed bag and the pitifully reduced collection of books and think to yourself - is this it? Is this what my life amounts to? Is this the sum total of my accomplishments? Some clothes and a few books?
I'll try to explain how I feel: I feel like, no matter what I do or how I plan or what I want, I have absolutely no control over what's going to happen with my life over the next couple of years (gawd I hope it doesn't last that long!). Like, you are paddling a boat, with that monkey on your shoulders, and you are coming up to a waterfall, and you try to eddy out or backpaddle away or sit behing a rock or hug a tree to avoid going over that bloody thing, but no matter what you do or how you do it, you are still going over. And you are going over right now.
OK. This UN thing. After debating with myself, my family, respected colleagues and loved ones, I've done the following:
1. Confirmed my willingness to do the assignment.
2. Uploaded my most recent CV.
The assignment starts 11 July. That means that I have six weeks in Canada to see how things pan out. I'm really caught over this whole thing. On one hand, I want to go back to Canada, chill with my family, get a 'proper job', settle down in TO, get a cat and call her McLovin (you see how I've planned?! I've already got a name for my to-be-grey kitten!), train with Alin, normalize relations with the Hammer...then, this F**KING UN thing comes through at the 11th hour, the last minute, the final hour. This is the job I have wanted for the last ten years. But sometimes, when you get what you want, you don't want it anymore, right? Like, you were focused on the wrong thing, you know? DomTastic (DomAss?) yelled at me in the midst of a self-indulgent moangroan session I was having: she said that maybe I have to look at it as the universe having perfect timing. Hmmmm......
I'll tell you, I haven't gone through a phase like this since June 1997. Then, I had no money and had everything I own stolen. I had no idea where I would sleep at night, where my next meal would come from, how I would earn money to survive.... That was on the front end of my little Africa adventure. Now, on the back end, I had my TheNotTheBullet stolen 8 days after I had the insurance cancelled (long story, don't ask, still beating myself repeatedly for that). Now TheNotTheBullet money was my 'transition slush fund' for when I got back..I would be able to take a couple of months to settle in, readjust, train properly and get into the groove of things before having to dive full on into some hectic work environment. That is no longer an option. I am using my move-everything-across-the-ocean money as my slush fund, which means that I have to get rid of everything here. I've reduced my life into one 30kg bag of clothing and one kist of books. And it's kind of sad to look at the one lonely, slightly overstuffed bag and the pitifully reduced collection of books and think to yourself - is this it? Is this what my life amounts to? Is this the sum total of my accomplishments? Some clothes and a few books?
I'll try to explain how I feel: I feel like, no matter what I do or how I plan or what I want, I have absolutely no control over what's going to happen with my life over the next couple of years (gawd I hope it doesn't last that long!). Like, you are paddling a boat, with that monkey on your shoulders, and you are coming up to a waterfall, and you try to eddy out or backpaddle away or sit behing a rock or hug a tree to avoid going over that bloody thing, but no matter what you do or how you do it, you are still going over. And you are going over right now.
Thursday
25 sleeps
*ring*ring*ring*
T-Lo: Hello?
UNV: Hello. This is BlahDiBlah calling from the UNV office in Geneva. We would like to know if you are available for an assignment as Legal Advisor overseeing the election process in the Congo.
T-Lo: [stares at wall, goes into shock, faints]
After 10 years of submitting thousands of applications that have gone to the Great UN Application Grave In The Sky you people call me now?! NOW?! Why the bloody hell are you doing this to me NOW? It's been so long since I've been on your website that I forgot how to log on. And you call me now?!
I really don't know what to do - I have absolutely set my heart on settling back into Hammer/Toronto for so long now and this comes along. Seriously, universe, stop it now. I've had enough. I'm not normally the praying type but if you're up there, help me Superman!
T-Lo: Hello?
UNV: Hello. This is BlahDiBlah calling from the UNV office in Geneva. We would like to know if you are available for an assignment as Legal Advisor overseeing the election process in the Congo.
T-Lo: [stares at wall, goes into shock, faints]
After 10 years of submitting thousands of applications that have gone to the Great UN Application Grave In The Sky you people call me now?! NOW?! Why the bloody hell are you doing this to me NOW? It's been so long since I've been on your website that I forgot how to log on. And you call me now?!
I really don't know what to do - I have absolutely set my heart on settling back into Hammer/Toronto for so long now and this comes along. Seriously, universe, stop it now. I've had enough. I'm not normally the praying type but if you're up there, help me Superman!
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