Somewhere between here and there, part 1

Conversation One:

Me and my buddy up at the Canadian High Commission in Pretoria:

T-Lo: Ok, you have all of my application details there, right? And they are all complete, right? And ready to go?
Lady: Yes.
T-Lo: And you can give me a passport in SS, right?
Lady: Yes.
T-Lo: Ok, let's do that and I'll take it from there. How long will it take to turn around?
Lady: Ummm... when are you rescheduled to fly?
T-Lo: They are holding 21 June for me. Will it be ready by then?
Lady: Ummm... when is that?
T-Lo: It's two weeks and three days from now.
Lady: Yes. [pause] It should be ready by then. [hesitates] Yes, you should be able to make that flight.
T-Lo: Just to clarify - I should make the flight or I will make the flight?
Lady: You should make it, yes.
T-Lo: I should? Or I will?
Lady: You should, yes.
T-Lo: Can you guarantee that I will make it?
Lady: You should be able to make it, I don't really see a problem with it.
T-Lo: But can you guarantee it?
Lady: You should be able to, yes.
T-Lo: Thank you. Good bye.

Conversation Two:

Me and my buddy at Expedia:

T-Lo: My passport will take at least three weeks to turn around. I would like to confirm that I will not be on my flight this weekend but I will call you next week to reschedule.
CS Agent: Ok no problem!
T-Lo: Will you make a note of this on my file?
CS Agent: Ok no problem!
T-Lo: Shall I follow up with a confirmatory email?
CS Agent: Ok no problem!
T-Lo: Ok, I shall. Thank you.
CS Agent: I would like to thank you for calling expedia.ca and I would like to wish you a good day.
T-Lo: [gets a pain behind the eyes]

Conversation Three:

Me and my new buddy at Expedia:

T-Lo: I called last week, and followed up with an email, to say I would not make my flight and would call back to reschedule. Is there a record of that in my file?
CS Agent 2.0: Ummm.... [silence] ... when did you say you sent the email?
T-Lo: Four days ago.
CSA 2.0: Let me check our email records.
T-Lo: [pain in temples joins pain in eyes]
CSA 2.0: Ah! Here it is! Ok. How can I help you?
T-Lo: I am calling to reschedule my flight.
CSA 2.0: Ah! Ok, I will just have to check with Emirates as you are listed as a 'no-show' on the flight file.
T-Lo: But I called. To say. That I would not. Make. The flight.
CSA 2.0: [silence] I will just have to contact Emirates on your behalf. Please hold!
T-Lo: Ok.

(Aside: in the time that I was "on hold", I downloaded and watched a youtube video on the mating habits of sea-horses, discovered the many and varied meanings of a house-on-fire in dream interpretation, re-read Obama's inauguration speech, made myself and ate a sandwich, made a cup of tea, downloaded Gorillaz: Dare and listened to that to stop my head exploding, worked on my CV and flipped through the UNOPS vacancies site. No joke.)

CSA 2.0: Ok, yes. The flight can be rescheduled but you will have to call back mid-week to wait for this flight information to clear the system.
T-Lo: Really?
CSA 2.0: Yes. I do apologize for the inconvenience.
T-Lo: Please may I have a reference number for this call?
CSA 2.0: Sure! It's BV33DS. I want to thank you for calling expedia.ca and I would like to wish you a good day.

Conversation Four:

My and my new new buddy at Expedia:

T-Lo: Hello. My reference number is BV33DS.
CSA 3.0: Ah! Yes! There we are!
T-Lo: I am calling to reschedule my flight.
CSA 3.0: Thank you! I'll just have to call Emirates quickly on your behalf!
T-Lo: Ok. [starts downloading youtube videos in anticipation...]
CSA 3: You'll have to call Emirates directly yourself! Thank you for calling expedia.ca and I would like to wish you a good day.
T-Lo: [head/desk/bang]

Conversation Five:

Me and my buddy at Emirates in Cape Town:

T-Lo: I would like to reschedule my flight.
Emirates Chick: Ok. Can I have your reference number please?
T-Lo:[quotes it]
EC: Ok, that's the old number. Do you have the new number?
T-Lo: No. This is the number my booking agent gave me. I have no other number.
EC: That is the old number in our system. Do you have another number?
T-Lo: No. That is the only number I have. Can you cross reference me by name?
EC: No. We require the new number to change the flight details.
T-Lo: I have no other number. This is the number my booking agent gave me.
EC: We do not have that number in our system.
T-Lo: Are you telling me that Emirates has lost my flight information?! That you have no record of my current flight in the system even though you can see the old one and my name?!
EC: It isn't "lost". It's just "missing". You have no other number?
T-Lo: NO.
EC: Please hold!
...
EC: Ok. I have found your flight information. I see you are booked CT-Dubai-TO for 07 June. What would you like to do?
T-Lo: I would like to change my flight date.
EC: Why would you like to do that?
T-Lo: Because 07 June has passed and I am still in Cape Town.
EC: Ah! I see! Ok! Let me just check your Terms and Conditions....
....
EC: Ok I can do that. When do you want to fly?
T-Lo: 28 June or 05 July.
EC: I can get you on 05 July with a change of flight fee of R19 700.
T-Lo: [after recovering from shock] That seems like quite a substantial difference in price.
EC: Yes. That's because it is a first class ticket.
T-Lo: But I am booked on economy.
EC: But there is only first class available. Would you like me to check availability in economy around that time?
T-Lo: Yes. Please.
EC: I can get you to JFK on 04 June for the same price.
T-Lo: Ok. Let's do it.
EC: [clakkity clak on her keyboard]
T-Lo: No! Wait! I can't fly into the States! Stop! Stop! I will get detained in the US cuz of the name differences between the passport and the ticket and I'm flying from Africa via the Middle East and they will think I'm a terrorist!!!
[a moment's uncomfortable silence follows]
EC: Why.... uh ... how come... are you....???
T-Lo: No! God no! I'm not a terrorist! I'm being figurative here!
[I give her a brief rundown of the situation]
EC:[breathing a sigh of relief] Ok, I can get you in on 12 July with a change fee of R4000.
T-Lo: I'll take it! That's mine! Book me now! Now! Book me!
EC:[clakkity clak on her keyboard] Ok. Done.



%#%%$(@++$. Is it just me? Is it just me?!